Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
