My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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