; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
