You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize