I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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