My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
