She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
