drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
