This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
