Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
