And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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