My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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