Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
