so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
