Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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