She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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