Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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