I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
