Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i was born a porn star she said
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize
