i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
