i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
