If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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