I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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