Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
