I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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