Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
