Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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