how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize