i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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