Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
