Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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