Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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