If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
