Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
