she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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