I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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