so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
