He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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