My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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