Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
