I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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