I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize