I want to have your abortion
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He passed out mid-signature
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
