Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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