worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
