I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
