You smell like stripper and shame
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
