Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
