I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
