So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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