woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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