lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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