My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
