I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I AM VODKA MAN
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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