when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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