I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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