My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
