dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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