You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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