I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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