I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
