I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
