I cockslap morals
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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